late night (or early morning) ranting

I've been in a very nostalgic mood lately. I'm not a big fan of these moods as I tend to remember the bad and the bittersweet.
I've been thinking about the future a lot which tends to kick off how I got to this point...and how to proceed towards whatever it is I'm moving towards.
My perception about how I handle my life versus what people see are two very polar opposites. While I make no excuses, and really don't attempt to hide anything about my life, I know there's so much of my past that directly influences my choices now. And I laugh because as open as I am, these statements are as vague as can be....But just because there is too much behind me to reference.
But I would like to progress to a stage in my life where I'm content with what I achieve. To not beat myself up about what I have not achieved thus far in my young life. To not envy people privileged enough to do what I wish I could. And just find balance emotionally.
I still beat myself up for not finishing school. As much as I know Buffalo and Alfred weren't the right fits for me, the fact that I didn't reach my goal in those 3+ years weighs on me. The piece of paper, it's not important so much to me as completing something that was important. People who know me would be quick to point out that I wasn't healthy in putting so much strain on myself. My mother pointed out just yesterday that I came out of the womb stressed. I can't stand feeling like I'm unproductive. But at the same time my defense mechanism for dealing with stress is to emotionally break down. God knows I've attempted to diffuse situations. But my mind and body are at constant odds. I'm just genetically wired that way. It runs in my family. Most of my family is not afraid of working hard though. And I know I carry that with me.
Time hasn't been my friend though. I work to eat, have a place to live, to pay off student loans. It has nothing to do with what I love. Somewhere in me though, I have this practical outlook on living. Completely goes against being a free spirit. And has held me back from a lot.
But it's not practical for me to go back to art school. Nor is practical for me to cut out and travel and paint.
I don't have Van Gogh's brother mailing me cost-of-living checks every month.
And when someone points out I should be making art, I want to cry.
I had a conversation with one of the attorneys when I was still working at Windels, and for the first time someone told me it's ok that I don't go back to school. That I can be successful regardless. But life in the corporate world is a lot of chasing and climbing. I can't measure my success in how many redwelds I've found, or how many sheets of correspondence I've put away. All I'm working towards is pleasing others doing things they either don't want to do, or don't have the time to do.
And I do it. Because I need money and not being good enough scares me.
Right now all I've been doing is sneaking moments to doodle and to come up with grand ideas that I won't execute.
I'm not burning out yet with my new job. They push me to my tolerable limits sometimes, but I don't dread getting up to go to work every morning like I used to.
Being comfortable like that actually worries me because down the road I might just fall into doing the job for the rest of my life. I've said over and over that I never know what's going to happen next week let alone next year...but I have little aspirations for my future. I do see myself only painting on rare occasions, doodling and sketching. But for the most part, getting up early every morning to commute to the City, and maintaining document files for the rest of my days. It doesn't help that I'm decent at it to boot lol.
Organizing files is similar to organizing a piece of art. There's no difference besides putting ideas together visually versus the tangible make up of a folder and a cohesive indexing system...And one takes considerably less creativity and originality.
I don't know where to start to change my life to suit myself.

Where to draw the line...

How does one tell a story reflective of their life?
If I was to go back and visually let people into my soul, how would I do that? And what would be in there?
It would be interesting to do a gigantic graphic journey, of course with a psychedelic flow.

I would like people to stop thinking that psychedelia is a throwback to hippie flowers, peace signs, images of Marley and Hendrix, and the like because it goes so far deeper than a period in the sixties.
You only need to read Huxley to make that point.
It's seeing through the mind's eye rather than your eye muscles.
A mental translation made visual. Familiar internal, foreign external.

I've been really bottled up the couple of months. Bottled up being an understatement...
And I don't know when or if I'll ever find my way back to doing full pieces again.
As sad as that sounds.

There's so much life to be lived, but I feel like my life has been and will be truncated...just a feeling.

If I ever get out of here, thought of givin' it all away...

If I wasn't a painter, I'd imagine I'd have been committed by now.



Case in point - An email note I sent to myself:

"spoon stirring up the clouds on the "heavenly side" from the mouth of the evil strawberry"



Just the kind of interaction I was looking for in that empty space where the strawberry resides.

(ancient photo...I know)

Now all I gotta do is paint.


On a related inspirational note: I saw Carlos Santana and Derek Trucks last night.
I will be going to hell just for the taste of sin that is their guitar playing. But what tasty sin it is!
The colors they paint with their guitars are so vivid, and the emotions they draw out are bordering on making love. If the experience of being there was not of transcendence into true perception, I can't image what is. It's amazing what the mind can manage to do on its own, even without the help of various substances.

instant pick-me-up

Just had a interesting thought...
picking one pattern a week (whatever catches my eye) and seeing how much variation I can squeeze out of myself...

came across this blog: http://printpattern.blogspot.com/
and after almost having a mini thoughtgasm, came up with that little exercise...

I think I would either love or loathe being a textile/print designer...I think my doubts come from the fact that I don't know if I'm actually able to make anything visually that will translate, and the fear that my work will blend in with others' and no one will notice me....
I watch the trends and I'm not sure I'm where it's at... loq

It is not to be looked upon

I keep hearing that I need to show my work.
Which would be awesome...

...Except...
that I haven't finished a piece in almost 3 years and several of my favorites (ie: the ones I deem good enough to be shown) I don't own/haven't seen in 2 years....

roar.
I'm a pathetic excuse for an attention-hoarding artist...


I keep looking into Art Students League classes which are ridiculously cheap (not to mention tons of famous artist have studied there) but keep chickening out.
Loser.

I need a jump-start on my work...the electricity is fizzling out...

If I don't write it down right away...

candy buttons
swirly lollipops
gumdrops
hershey kisses
white icing - scalloped (ie: on gingerbread houses)

"sugar-laced"

this is gonna be cute lol

There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be...

Too many people believe in me.

That has to be the oddest concept to wrap your head around...but the higher the hopes, the worse I feel when I crash back down to the earth.
I've had the great privilege of studying under highly passionate, intelligent, encouraging teachers and professors. But I have yet to really deliver what I promise in my work. Not for lack of trying though...I suppose that's one positive...
One of my professors from UB actually sought me out on facebook and wrote me a note telling me not to give up. Right now I'm floored. On one hand, I am overwhelmed with appreciation, but I feel also ashamed that I haven't worked hard enough to deserve it.
Though, my definition of working hard is probably more punishing on myself than it should be.
He mentioned that it's not enough to have my talent, but I need to learn while I'm still young...and have the documentation to back it up...ie: my masters...

Right now, I have no clue where it's at for me, and a good portion of the time I feel like I may never find it.
It doesn't really help that I strain myself for a job that is neither a real interest of mine or a healthy environment for my emotional and physical well-being.
As we speak, my body is really getting beat with the craziness going on around here, and all I can think about right now is my own work...it's just goes beyond frustration.

I just needed to get that out....no one is around and I probably can't express this well orally anyway lol.

On a lighter note, I am revisiting a drawing I started in Pictorial Structures from Spring 2005 (also worked on it in Nic's Drawing Concepts II)...I haven't touched it since probably sometime in April of 2006...lol I only remember that because the last time I had it out, Adam had stop by after one of his classes...
I have most of the foreground finished, but it's taken me almost 3 years to come up with a background. The picture will be absolutely insane if I manage to finish it. I intend on actually adding color too at some point...I've come a long way...I'd have never even touched a colored pencil to it 3 years ago...color doesn't scare me the way it used to lol
My computer was being crappy last night and not recognizing my digital camera, so I don't have any recent photos of it up online, soon though...

For me to know and you to find out

subject: Sock Monkeys
You'll see.





I really cannot wait to get my Wacom tablet! It's going to definitely change the way I work.

My parents bought me a Genius tablet for Christmas, but unfortunately I didn't like the handling. The pad wasn't as sensitive as I wanted, it skips too much, and the lag made it hard to really know how and where the brushes were laying down marks.
I know the Wacome one is über expensive and I'm gonna have to go in half with my dad, but it will be so worth it. I love art toys so much!

At least Van Gogh had something to show for his madness

I'm so frustrated with my inhibition to come to any sort of closure in my work.
It blows my mind that people can complete pieces in mere days, weeks, and months.
I want so badly to be prolific, but finished works for me are just so rare.

My work has been a lot of run-on sentences with no period.
It's already affecting my future as an artist. It sucks.

What's even more frustrating is that by the time I go to work back into a piece, my style has altered somewhat and I can never get into the continuity groove. Maybe I'm just over-analytical about my line work., but there is definitely a progression in my sketches and I can never get the feeling back. So much of my work is intuitively knowing how everything comes together, without that guiding force, it's just easier for me to scrub it out or scrap it completely.

perfection really does have its price.

Sky Of Blue And Sea Of Green

I've decided to revisit a painting I started in early Spring of 2006.
So far it's just an under-painting. Or to me it is.
In a stony-looking sepia, the mountains are carved out of brown rock. Not nearly indicative of the passionate richness and turmoil of my stay in Ireland. Ireland itself is too vivid, even in the nastiest weather, not represent in full colour.
It's a completely different process of painting than when I was actually there. Painting in Ireland was about capturing a moment. The brilliancy of the landscape is that it is forever changing right before your eyes. It was a matter of laying it down upon the surface (to which masonite was perfect) before the light changes and you lose the colour that had been present minutes before. Generally I did a painting in about 2 hours, capturing the sky first because it is the first thing to go.
This is so different in that it is a reflection. I have managed to detach myself emotionally from the events that have coloured my memory (bad pun I know lol), which impaired my ability to complete the piece nearly 2 years ago. It gives way right now to the technical aspects. I realized that before I continue, I need to adjust the palate to more desaturated tones. My descent back into using colour in my work after years of black and white and monochromes has been marked with undiluted pigments, not always harmonious, and constantly fighting for attention against each other. I have to take a real conscious look at the tone, something I've sorta set aside doing more illustrative pieces. That's expressionism for you.
It hit me in a funny way today when I actually stopped to think that the colour scheme I've started out with (mostly cerulean and titanium white) needs to be toned down. I'll probably end up pulling out my old friend Payne's gray who was a constant companion of mine in the rainy spring of 2005.
I need to take into consideration what my palate was while I was there **epiphany**...French ultramarine, ultramarine deep, sap green, Payne's gray, terra rosa hue, cadmium-barium yellow medium (oh dear lord how this got everywhere, even when I wasn't using it), alizarin crimson, and titanium white.**end epiphany**
I think this is one of those times when I can see my progression in this craft. Whereas in the past my colour choices were either whim or intuition, I took into consideration what the tone will say to the viewers. It's one of those 'holy shit' moments where I've made a conscious decision in the right direction. I don't get those often. And it proves that something along the way has actually managed to stick in my brain and be of some use.
I think I am sufficiently satisfied with my progress today.